The Test That Was
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Yanagi has an Off Day, and decides to give advice to his team-mates. Which is unfortunate, given that there is an ostrich and an old woman involved.


A/N: This is the product of boredom and/or insanity. Not as funny as I wanted it to be, but my sister got a laugh out of it, so I figured...what the heck, just post it already...

The Test That Was

It started with a test.

It belonged to a certain data-boy called Yanagi Renji, who usually aced his tests with all the skills of a SuperNerd.

This test was not like the others. It was cold, and cruel; it had big red markings at the top that told him something he had never expected to be told. The Earth started spinning in the other direction, Hell froze over (and no, I don't mean that place in Texas), and then just for good measure, a turtle flew past the window. Not a pig, because that would have been too ordinary.

How could he have gotten less than eighty percent? It was impossible, impossible! He double-checked the addition; the teacher had added correctly. Had she marked correctly? She must have. Yanagi had faith in his teachers, at least somewhat.

He must have had...an off day.

This time, an elephant flew past the window. Yanagi waved to it. His classmates stared.

"It's name is Jumbo," he said, by way of explanation.

"Cute," said one of the girls.

-----

"This is very unsettling," Yanagi said to Sanada, just as he finished explaining about the Test That Was.

"Hn," said Sanada.

"I really don't believe it. The chances of this happening are...well, not very good. Then again, that calculation was off, apparently, so that means...I have to recalculate everything. In alphabetical order, of course."

"Hn."

It was then that Kirihara showed up for practice, looking particularly smug. Jackal was trudging along behind him, looking particularly tired. Marui was behind him, with hair that was particularly pink.

"What did he do this time?" Niou asked, appearing out of nowhere, since he was not behind anyone in the previous paragraph.

"Don't ask," Jackal muttered.

"I just --"

"No! We shall never speak of this again!" Jackal exclaimed.

"I bet the kid super-glued someone to a toilet again. That one's getting old."

"What the hell are you talking about? You're the only idiot who's ever done that."

"Oh yeah."

Kirihara shot Niou a Death Glare, and was about to inflict upon him a Painful Wound, but Sanada stepped in. "Hn," he said. "Hn...hn, hnnnn. Hn."

The rest of the Rikkai regulars blinked at him. "What?"

"Hn!"

"I think he wants to play charades," Niou said, helpful as always.

"HN!"

"Actually, I believe that he's trying to tell us that he has lost his voice," Yanagi said. "Probably a minor cold, but...don't trust my data. I have been wrong before. I may be wrong again. Perhaps Genichirou really does want to play charades."

"Or maybe he wants to give us all a day off," Niou suggested.

"That is quite possible."

"Great! Everybody go home!" Niou said. Nobody moved. They were held in place by the laser beams that were shooting forth from Sanada's eyes, which still worked perfectly, even if his throat didn't.

-----

Yanagi decided that he would revamp his entire knowledge database. His old system had failed him, so it was time for a new, and somewhat different, approach.

He wanted to share his newfound knowledge, so to each of his teammates he gave one piece of advice.

It was advice that they found baffling, but they figured that since it was Yanagi, they could trust it.

So, they took it.

-----

Marui and Jackal were walking.

Marui and Jackal were walking together. They were conversing.

Marui turned to Jackal to ask him a question, which was a big mistake. The glare from Jackal's bald head caused him to become temporarily blinded, which caused him to miss a few steps and stumble, and fall into a giant mud puddle. Only, this puddle was not mud; no, he would have been lucky if he was.

"I'm covered in dog shit!" he wailed. "My pretty, genius face! This is all your fault, Yanagi!"

Obviously, Yanagi's brilliant idea that waxing his head would improve Jackal's tennis even more was not settling well with Marui. In fact, he was turning purple.

Jackal tried to calm Marui down, but to no avail. Marui swore to have revenge on Yanagi, no matter what the cost! As soon as he had a shower, or maybe several, and then something to eat, because being angry made him really hungry.

----

Yanagi's advice to Kirihara was a different way for him to get to school. A short-cut, he said.

Kirihara was cheerfully plotting all kinds of mischief that he could get into that day, trying to outdo the evils that he had done the day before -- when he was stopped in his tracks by a strange-looking old woman. She was dressed in a highly suspicious attire, and Kirihara wondered briefly if she was perhaps going to try and sell him life insurance. That did not seem likely, being that he was only thirteen years old, but he knew there were some real weirdoes out there. He was going to be one, one day.

"Stop, child," the old woman said, in her shaky old-woman voice. That voice commanded such respect, almost as much as the voice of Sanada (but not as much as the voice of Yukimura) that Kirihara stopped in his tracks.

"You look just like my grandson."

Kirihara blinked at her. She was obviously mentally unstable. Either that, or just really retarded. Like he cared.

"No, not like my grandson. More like my husband, when he was younger..."

Kirihara's eyebrows knitted together, such that he looked a little bit like Horio Satoshi, who had two years of tennis experience...elsewhere.

"Give me your hand," the old lady demanded.

Kirihara cradled his hand to his chest. "No." There was no way in hell, or wherever else, that he was going to let that crazy old bat touch his person. Especially since she had caused him to be likened to Horio only moments before.

"I want you to become my underage lover!"

Kirihara ran away screaming bloody murder.

-----

Sanada looked at the cold remedy that Yanagi had prescribed. He'd always had helpful home remedies before, that tasted somewhat awful but worked wonders. He'd gotten those recipes from some old friend of his in his childhood.

In any case, Sanada did not fear this medicine, though he feared the flavor.

When he rose the tube to his lips and drank, he was surprised to find that the taste was actually quite good. So good, in fact, that he promptly went and drank the rest of the medicine that was supposed to last him for the rest of the week.

Then, he realized, as the world began to spin, that this was not in fact medicine -- rather some form of alcohol. Sanada was very drunk. It was kind of funny, actually. He began to giggle. He giggled until he passed out.

-----

Yanagi told Niou all the ingredients for the prank to end all pranks. It sounded intriguing, so Niou decided he wanted to try it. All he needed were a few simple ingredients...An ostrich, a very large amount of turpentine, several packages of multicolored candy, a caramel apple, some cough drops, an electric fence, and a big glob of whipped cream.

He managed to find himself an ostrich, though how, no one knows. He named it Yagyuu, after Yagyuu. Then the ostrich tried to eat him. It came at him with all the force of a starved ostrich, and pecked at him. Niou screamed like a little girl, and continued screaming until Yagyuu showed up to rescue him. (The real Yagyuu, not the ostrich Yagyuu).

Yagyuu pulled Yagyuu away from Niou (who occasionally dressed as Yagyuu) and then Yagyuu _strangled Yagyuu to death._ Which was rather cruel, but Yagyuu was angry that this ostrich had been trying to eat his doubles partner and potential love interest.

"Thanks for saving me, man," Niou said.

"It was no trouble at all."

"Yagyuu...are you crying?"

"Ah, no, not exactly. Yanagi advised me to start wearing contact lenses, as it might potentially improve my tennis. The idea has some merit, considering that I wouldn't have to worry about breaking my glasses when I get hit in the face with a ball, although that does not happen on very many occassions...and I wouldn't have to worry about them falling off, either. Except --"

Niou was asleep.

"Ahem, Niou-kun?"

"Ah, what? Sorry. You were being borign."

"Yes, well. I was getting to my point. The only problem with the contact lenses is that my eyes are rejecting them."

"Too bad."

"Yes...and I think one just fell out."

"Damn."

"Yes."

Niou and Yagyuu spent all of five minutes on the ground searching for the contacts.

Then they -- well, never mind.

-----

Niou spotted the rest of his teammates, save for Yanagi, looking very angry and standing in a circle. He led Yagyuu to them. Yagyuu had lost his other contact in their rather strenuous activity, and now, he was quite unable to see anything past his nose.

"So, are you all really pissed off, too?" Niou asked.

There was fire in the eyes that turned to look at him. Sanada's eyes were also bloodshot. He looked like he had a hangover. Which, in fact, he did.

"What happened to you?" Niou asked.

"He drank Yanagi's so-called cough medicine," Marui said. "At least _he_ didn't fall into a pile of shit."

"I...that old woman..." Kirihara shuddered.

"I am not very amused," Yagyuu said. He did not realize that he was talking to a wall. Niou turned him around, and told him to try again.

"I am not very amused," Yagyuu said.

"This is going to end now," Sanada rasped. His voice had recovered just enough to restore it's scariness.

They all felt especially close to each other that day. Anger formed a bond stronger than anything they'd ever known, except for Yukimura, bless his soul. They banded together and advanced on Yanagi, who they found reading a cheap romance novel under the shade of a large tree.

"We're very unhappy with you," Marui said, his eyes glowing.

"Your advice was...less than sastisfactory," Yagyuu said. To a tree.

"I almost got eaten by a frigging ostrich," Niou said.

"My head glows in the dark," Jackal said.

"I have the worst headache of my life," Sanada growled.

"Wah!" Kirihara sniffled.

Yanagi became very nervous. "I can understand why you are all angry, but --" That didn't seem to calm them down any. It was probably time to suggest they talk things out, but that was according to his old data. So...

"According to my recalculated data, the best thing to do in this situation would be to put on sequined dresses and perform like can-can dancers," he said, helpfully.

Everyone (except Yanagi) blinked. Kirihara let out a wail.

"Why can't you just go back to being yourself, Yanagi-sempai?" he cried, and then he began to sob like a little baby. He was feeling very depressed, since his new friend the old lady had managed to get her hands on his phone number.

"Hn," said Sanada gravely. It was obvious what that grunt meant; What would Seiichi think?

Yanagi's world became dark, and cold. What would Seiichi think?

"I...I'm sorry I failed you," he said, and he walked away. Music played in the background, of the sort you hear in western films when the hero leaves town after saving everybody. Except...he hadn't saved everybody. So it really wasn't like that at all.

-----

THE END

-----

Actually, that night Yanagi had a second revelation, that all of his previous data was in fact correct. He checked over the Test That Was, and realized that the reason he had failed was because he had missed a page, in a careless error that any SuperNerd could have easily made.

He bashed his head against his desk a few times, to restore his proper database, and things went back to normal for everyone. No one ever mentioned the incident to Seiichi, so all was right with the world.

THE END (again)

Note: No ostriches were hurt in the making of this story.


End file.
